I wrote this as an exercise in dialogue - not sure I will ever use it anywhere, but here it is:
Itchy & Scratchy
“Stop that you horrible child.”
“But it itches.”
“I know it itches. It will itch if you run full speed into a bush of stinging nettles.”
“The lion was going to get me. It was scratching itself and it was going to come right through the fence and get me.”
“No it wasn’t. You know it wasn’t. You’re just pretending to be about 3 years old to annoy me. There’s no point. You’re annoying enough already. You can’t get any more annoying.”
“My head itches.”
“So don’t scratch it.”
“Don’t scratch it?”
“That’s right. If you scratch it, the itch will just get worse.”
“So the only time I ever want to scratch is when I itch, and that’s when I’m not supposed to scratch?”
“That’s right.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“It’s just one of God’s little jokes. You’ll have to get used to them.”
“That doesn’t make any sense either. The monkeys are always scratching.”
“This might come as a shock but you’re not a monkey. If you’re going to wait for life to make sense my jolly little friend you’ve got a very long wait ahead of you.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that life doesn’t make sense. If your head doesn’t itch then go ahead and scratch it. Unless your finger nails are a foot long you can’t do any harm.”
“What’s a foot?”
“About one third of one of those metres they teach you about in school. And stop scratching.”
“If my head wasn’t itching then I wouldn’t know when to scratch it. And I’m not supposed to do that.”
“I know – life’s funny like that.”
“Funny?”
“Yes – funny peculiar, not funny ha-ha. Do you know the difference yet?”
“I don’t know what peculiar means.”
“Funny peculiar means it’s not thekind of funny that makes you laugh but it’s the kind of funny that’s different from what you expect, it’s sort of strange, it’s well, peculiar.”
“Are pelicans peculiar?”
“Pelicans?”
“I can see a pelican. It’s not scratching. It’s got no arms.”
“Maybe that’s what happens to little boys who scratch their head when they’re not supposed to. Their arms fall off.”
“Pelicans don’t have arms, or hands. They have legs, and, and, . . . beaks.”
“So they do.”
“So if a pelican fell into a bush of stinging nettles and his head itched, how would he scratch it?”
“Don’t ask me son. I’m only the zookeeper. Where’s your mother got to?”
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