A story about animals, that's what they asked for, in about 500 words. This is what I gave them:
Learning About The Animals
You wouldn’t believe the things I hear people say unless you knew they came from an impeccable source. Take it from me, I don’t lie. I’m a chimpanzee.
Surprised eh? I take it this is your first visit to a zoo since you discovered your new 22nd century telepathic powers. That’s what happens when one race develops an ability the rest of the animal kingdom takes for granted.
I know you are.
Yes, we can.
And we can do that too.
Sorry, no, we can’t talk. Our tongues don’t work that way.
There’s no need to be quite so flabbergasted. Haven’t you read the sign on the cage yet? The bit about chimpanzees sharing 98.6% of the human DNA sequence?
Betcha didn’t know the missing 1.4% resides in the body part we lick our bottoms with.
Really? Well don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.
No, you’ve not seen me here before. I’m a visitor. Actually, I’m not supposed to tell you this but I’m on a course. It’s called Apeing the Animals which is quite witty really.
No, listen, you’ll like this. You’re the animals and we’re the apes, and we’ve come here today to, in the words of the brochure, "observe how their primitive behaviour can teach us the path to success".
Apparently, wherever you animals go you display what’s called ‘office behaviour patterns’ which closely resemble our own social structures in the ape world.
You don’t think so?
And your job is what exactly?
Impressive. So you call yourself a leader? So you’re a dominant A-type personality who stamps your feet to get what you want, you walk the walk with a puffed out chest to impress the girls, and you occasionally engage in a bit of mutual back slapping with the other alpha males?
No? That’s not what it looks like from here, I can tell you.
Well, according to our course leader, that’s the gorilla standing just over there, unless you smarten your act up and start beating your chest a bit more often you’ll never get the top job. More to the point you won’t stand a chance with the better looking mates on offer (although between you, me and these 4 chicken wire fences they don’t look much cop to me – not enough hair for my liking).
Old fashioned? Moi? Give over. You’re the one who has only just learned how to communicate. Me? I’m the higher species mate, that’s who I am.
Anyway, I’ve got to go now. Having observed you I’ve got to give a presentation in the workshop area over there by the rubber tyres. They are going to be thrilled when they find out I’ve actually found one who could hold a basic conversation. But I’d better not mention the parrot though. They’ll think I’m bonkers.
